This isn't the whole of it...that would be an enormous task...but hopefully, this is a glimpse into a world where raising decent, happy children is taken very seriously...
When we first heard about the raid in Texas, and saw the pictures of all the beautiful, sad looking children being herded onto buses, our hearts bled for them. Then we heard all the reports of how deprived they were. And we heard how they were raised so rigidly, and had so little, and were constantly disciplined using the sternest of corporal punishments. And oh my goodness, every mother's heart was broken. We heard how the fathers made the mothers do these horribly stern, abusive things.....and the whole country wanted to swoop down on Texas and care for these poor, poor children.....and to save these women who were so brainwashed and cowed that they would hurt even their own children for these awful men!!!!
Then the "back stories" started creeping out. We heard from nameless mental health workers how sweet and well behaved the children were. We heard from staff in the residential centers how lovely the children were. We heard how bright they were. We heard how they were all at or above grade level with their education. We heard how the older children helped so willingly with the younger one. We saw pictures of Teresa who had scrambled up a tree in front of the San Angelo courthouse...being a typical, happy, playful teenager.....
The other pictures started emerging...pictures of children playing, and laughing and climbing fences and snuggling with farm animals....and swinging on those wonderful big swings in Cottonwood Park.....
And individual stories made their way to us...I remember reading a story, last summer, about one mother who went out and bought two parakeets for her children so they could learn responsibility through caring for and loving these beautiful song makers...and it touched my heart, what a wonderful way to teach.....
Well, the incongruity of the horror stories with what emerged as the reality, was striking.....
Over all, these were delightful, normal, beautiful children. With good manners, and amazing resilience. Since I have worked in the world of children and families with behavioral challenges for so long, it caught my attention! How could you have such a large group of children, who should, statistically anyway, have some portion with serious behavioral issues, be so happy, resilient, and well adjusted? So I've been watching pretty closely.....I wanted to know how they had accomplished this...
Was it harsh discipline? Would the problems show up on closer observation? Were the images staged and crafted? Were they children behaving out of fear?
Hogwash! This community, these individual households, were regularly doing intuitively, what we in Children's Behavioral Health are just beginning to promote as "excellence in childcare", or the "Gold Standard" of practice. They are living, breathing models of what we have structured a whole industry around...they walk the walk of every parenting class taught.....
The children have structure. They have unwavering predictability in their lives. (except when child welfare comes crashing in on them, their lives, and their stability) They have the assurance of a roof over their heads, beds to sleep in, ample food to eat. The basics are always there and sure.
Then we get to those intangibles that have made such a difference. Remember "keeping sweet"? Remember how a big part of "keeping sweet" is staying calm? Imagine the difference it makes to children who have parents who work at, and truly value, a calm presentation! Imagine how different a child's experience is when they have parents who think about what they are going to say, or do, before they do it. What would it be like for children if every parent had heard, their entire life, that teaching with love is the only way that is acceptable?
Now, add to their lives, the absence of television and video games. Add lots of song. Music, not hard rock and roll or hip-hop, but old fashioned classics and spiritual music, being a big part of everyday. Throw in a good measure of families doing things together. Preparing meals, praying, gardening, farm work, community clean-ups, house cleaning, family hikes and outings....lots of time together.....and all the talk and laughter and silly mishaps that go with all of that activity...
On top of all that, throw in a healthy measure of hearing, everyday, how wonderful and valuable you are. Throw in lots of hugs....hugging and touching, whether it is doing hair, or buttoning the collar of a shirt, or helping to straighten the shoulders of a coat, are a big part of their lives. Unlike us, who push physical independence almost from birth...FLDS mothers nurse all of their children...they touch their children...and they tell them how much they love them, constantly....
Now I'm not trying to paint a picture of Nirvana, here. Every family and every child has challenges, from time to time. Every child stomps his or her foot occasionally. Every child learns the word "NO", early on, and to the complete frustration of parents.... "No!" is only cute for about ten seconds, the first couple of times...it is obnoxious for the next 18 or so years. And there are certainly parents, no matter how well meaning, get frustrated and behave badly. That is just the nature of our human beast. What makes things in this community different, is how those aberrations, even from parents, is handled.
One of the things I read in the Jeffs papers, is about a child who was bed-wetting, and a mother who made the child sit in the wet bed for hours, to teach that bed wetting is wrong....
Well, we know this isn't a good way to teach this lesson. We know that this is probably a very frustrated parent, not a bad child. So what was so interesting to me was that Jeffs addressed the issue, not be being angry and harsh, but by reteaching to many mothers, together, that kindness, love, consistency, discussing, trying new things, etc. was the way to always approach children. Never harshness or embarrassment, etc. And he did this in a way that "walked the walk". He made sure that everyone got the lesson. For those that were already doing it, it was a simple reinforcement. For those who had gotten off track, it was a reminder. No one was embarrassed or shamed. The opportunity for change was made easy and supported...and how to handle the child was demonstrated through how the adults were handled. Jeffs may not have a PhD in child psychology, but his instincts about how to handle people, and how to get them to produce the desired behaviors is remarkable! And the fact that he is a "do as I do" teacher, teaches parents the lesson in a very tangible and demonstrably "doable" way. He didn't "blame" the old ways, he acted to change how children are taught through his own way of doing things. He simply changed the culture through action. And it isn't perfect, but everyone is working toward a new way...and for young children, they will never know the harshness of an old way. Too bad we aren't so quick to discard the ways of past generations..our children sure would benefit....
So, slowly these 'pieces' of the puzzle are coming together for me. I am seeing how so many children in a community can all be so well mannered and developing so 'normally'. The adults in the homes talk to one another. There isn't lots of drama and yelling. Life is deliberately structured and predictable. There is a lot of love and joy demonstrated everyday. Discipline is through talk and lessons.
Value is placed more on relationships and activities than on things. Parents do things with their children. Children are a part of the life blood of the home, not decorations or burdens....
And there is humor....laughter is as a valued part of life as song and prayer....laughter is prayer...having joy and doing good things is exalted.....breaking a dish or getting a bit of mud on your trousers is no big deal...there is always another plate, and there's plenty of soap and water....
Problems aren't hidden, they're talked about. Problem behaviors are corrected with love...
No wonder those who cared for the FLDS children found them a joy!
It's not there aren't problems...the difference is in how the adults face them and cope with them as they come along....
They have built in support systems...they have common goals and expectations for behavior...and they are willing to learn and try new things...and they don't quit on a child.....even a difficult child....and they have a much broader definition of 'normal' than we, who overly pathologize everything, do....
And it comes together in a community of great children and wonderful family lives....
