Frogs and Front Porches and All Good Things Mundane....

Well dear world....here I sit, befuddled by life, again..... nothing earth shaking or of great moment...just my usual 'off in la la land' state....trying to work....

On the bright side, we have all sorts of baby frogs around the pond....little green frogs...most of them are brown, with just a bright green line by their lips....do frogs have lips?...anyway, a bright green line runs across their faces, near their mouths...

A couple of them are only a little more than an inch long...and a couple of them are 'croakers'...does that mean they're males? Who knows?

I just like sitting and watching them watch me....

I finally went and bought all the stuff to rebuild the front porch....hopefully that means it will actually happen...but who knows, it could all just sit piled on the deck for a year or two...wouldn't be the first time.....

I went to a local lumber yard. I could probably have saved a few dollars going to Lowe's or Home Depot, but I'd rather give my money to a local business when I can.

I'm excited. We're going to replace the big round columns with more victorian looking posts and fancier railings....it's been a long time coming...just never enough money....always some other urgent something....oh well....David's friend Eric and his brother have a pretty reputable home improvement business and they are going to do the work....with David and Josh and I as laborers...that should be a hoot!!!!!!

Next paycheck has to go for the mortgage and other bills, but then the next one can pay to repair the porch roof and then the front of the house will be in good shape. Next year I have to replace the whole roof on the house...that will be a monster. Going to start saving to do that right after Christmas. Hopefully I'll be able to save enough to have the chimney rebuilt, too...it's in pretty rough shape. I can see bricks starting to crumble...and it is listing pretty visibly...good thing no one here is expecting Santa....

I love my yard. In the front everything is pretty "normal". We just took out several dwarf pines along the front...and some sort of prickly ever green bush type stuff near the driveway. So it''s looking barren. But as soon as the porch is complete than I'll replant in those areas...and by next year the rhodes that I cut way back in front of the porch will have started to fill-in , again..

But then you get to the back yard....that's my wonderland!!!...It's almost jungle like....I have plants and flowers everywhere...no part of the season, from early April until mid-October is without color and blooms!!! Here's a picture I took last week from an upstairs bedroom window...You can sorta get a bit of the jungle flavor!...I LOVE IT!!!!!

You can't really tell from the picture, but it is a good sized yard...for in town, anyway...it's about 120 feet deep from the back door to the property line, and it's about fifty feet across....

The pond, which is way, way at the back looks like nothing in this picture, but it is 15X12...

This might give you a better sense of how large it is...





Anyway, my backyard is my sanctuary...it's where I can escape the world.....the waterfall makes a wonderful, light noise...there are always birds chirping and singing...often other critters visit...

I go through ten lbs. of roasted peanuts a week feeding the squirels...and another fifty lbs. of bird seed....

I think some of the fish may be getting sick, again...I'm seeing signs of tail rot, and the little black comet died very unexpectedly, on Monday. When I was able to look at him up close, he had some of the hemorragic stuff going on....so I'm going to start the anti-bacterial, anti-fungal treatment again....

The koi have decimated all of the floating plants...I've put them into a wading pool to try and get some life going in them...I don't know why...if I put them back in the pond, they'll just have all their roots eaten...












These are pics I took a few minutes ago...These guys are all at least six inches long and some are up to ten inches...they only look small because I was standing directly over them.....

Anyway, they're fun...alot more expensive than I would ever have thought...but fun...and most of them will eat out of my hand, now....so I've become 'Mama' to a bunch of carp...whodda thunk?????


So...life goes on.....I've been testy lately, with lots of folks...so I've gotta work on making amends....not a task I'm particularly good at....


oops...almost forgot...I took a picture of David a couple of weeks ago when he decided to climb the tree in front of the house and hang out over the street....literally....and I wanted to share that pic.....

And on this note...I'm off to get some work done......

The Boys, Christmas 2000

Well, it took some doing, but I scanned it and posted it, and here they are.
This isn't the entire group. It's all we could find one day just after Christmas 2000. The young man dead in the center is my oldest grandson. The others are 'the brothers';
from top left, clockwise...
Lil' Mike, Josh, Ollie, David, Big Mike, Rob, Doggie(Jason), with Sky in the center....
Some are biologically mine, others found their way in...the boys themselves, many years ago, decided to not tell anyone outside of the family who is bio and who isn't, so I honor that...
They are all mine!!!!!

Nightmares, Friends, and Bad Choices

I woke up this morning with an overwhelming sense of saddness and discontent. Perhaps it's the dreary, gray weather. More likely it is that the last thing I heard before I went to bed last night was the report of the indictments out of Texas and the FLDS.
I don't remember the details of my dreams. At least not often. I do remember the general 'theme' , most mornings. Last night I dreamt of dentists and the FLDS.
Don't ask me why....I know it's a weird combo...but I'm guessing it's because I have some really major dental work coming up and I was so upset about the indictments......But I awoke in a sweat...and feeling as though I hadn't slept. Tremors in my stomach from the monsters in the dark. I'm still feeling all sorts of discombobulated.

I'm not sure why, but for a long time I've felt a strong connection to these distant folks...long before the Texas debacle I began 'following' them. I would check in on the site of the local guy who took all the arial photos...and I would peer and peer at the pictures, trying to catch a glimpse of the people. And marveling at the steady growth of the community. I knew the photographer was no friend of the community's, but I felt grateful to him for the pictures...I knew they were invasive yet I felt they gave me something tangible to attach to my gut feelings....

As much as I loathe my step-mother, and as loathe as I am to give her any credit, for anything, I am, and always will be, thankful to her for instilling in me a strong sense of "I can do anything". Had my grandmother continued and completed raising me, I would probably have been far more retiring in my character and personality. Nana was, afterall, a southern lady. Very gentile in her demeanor. I am all that good southern women are taught is unholy and wrong.....

As much as I admire the FLDS women, and the Amish women, too, I am exactly opposite of them....
I am very much an "in your face" kinda person....right in there in the middle of the scuffle....I can cuss with the best of 'em....I can throw a straight, hard punch, when need be......I countenance very little b.s. in my life.....although, in my work, I have learned to sit through all sorts of b.s. and move forward, as it is part of the 'process' for folks. People have to get past vomiting garbage before they can come together to develop plans and concensus....but it has taken me years to do that...to even see the importance of that aspect of 'process'.....

And I have learned to hate 'process'....at the same time recognizing it is one of those 'necessary evils'....It is the only way that major change can occur and be real and sustainable. All of the stakeholders must feel ownership in identifying the need and the path to achieve the necessary change.
It is this 'process' stuff that has me so vexed and angry at the Texas mess. Process is fine for systemic changes....developing long range goals and work plans, mission statements, and guiding philosophies....but not in the dealings of everyday people...families and children and daily life.
Sometimes we need to just stop in our tracks and take account. We need to check ourselves. Make sure our goals are what they should be and our path to achievement is the right one.
You can't do that 'check' while in motion.
Mistakes are what they are. And we all make them. For a variety of reasons. And mistakes can have devastating consequences.....both personally and societally....that is why it is so important to build into our 'systems', whether it's our personal operating system, or a larger societal 'system', a set of measurements and balances...and a 'process' for accountability...without that, we are in constant motion without knowing if we are accomplishing anything, much less our goals....
Texas seems to be in constant motion without any checks or balances. Operating willy nilly. Operating without dialogue or concensus, on anything...operating without goals...
Seems like Texas had one big. visceral reaction to something strange and unknown and painted in the colors of 'the enemy'....seems like Texas, perhaps unwittingly, allowed itself to become a tool for a few angry, disenfranchised, extremely goal oriented, individuals....

I don't blame these individuals. They are simply doing what they have deigned necessary to attain their goals....they are only as successful as those they connect with allow. Texas gave them, and continues to give them, a huge boost..... and that is really scary....It's one thing when individuals buy their books and wring their hands...it may not be right, but it doesn't have any direct impact on the FLDS, or whomever the target is.....but when an entire state government buys into their agenda, well, that's scary....people get hurt....
Individuals wringing their hands and feeding thier own personal lust for the sensational can't empower armies, they can't manipulate the laws, or make new laws based on expedience, they can't set agenda's for governmental bodies......but empowered individuals in government can....and in Texas they did. And, based on watching Texas, empowered individuals in other states are following suit.....and that scares me to death....

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ADMITTING TO MAKING A MISTAKE!!!!!!!!
No one can unring a bell. But if the bell is out of tune, you know it the minute the vclapper hits....so you don't ring it a second time...certainly not a third time....
You stop ringing the damn thing, you take it down, you take it apart, and you start over...you essentially make a new bell...you ring the new bell and if it is true, wonderful...but if it still sounds crappy, you start all over...again, and again....until you get it right, or until you decide you don't really need the bell...all of which is predicated on constant examination of your original purpose for having a bell.....was that purpose a necessity or a luxury???...was it a bell to warn of fire or a bell to simply please the ear????
Can the original need for the bell be met in some other way? Does the need still exist? Was there really a need? or just a desire?
Texas needs to take stock.....
What was their original need? Why was it determined to be a need? What was the foundation for determining need? Was that a solid foundation? Does the need still exist. What are alternatives for addressing the need? Have we elected the 'right' alternative? Why? Why not? Who are the stakeholders? Were all of the stakeholders at the table? How can we bring all of the stakeholders to the table?
Etc., etc., etc.........
Acknowledge the mistake and move forward...don't let ego and false pride get in the way of doing what is right...don't let it get in the way of efficacy....
With efficacy comes the claim to real pride...and that is always sweet.....to know when you look in the mirror that you have done good....

People I have come to know....not personally....but in other ways, very, very personally, are being hurt.....
And, they are being hurt by a process that can be super-imposed over any set of folks or circumstances...this is just a prototype....and that is not just frightening, but mind boggling.....this is something antithesis to everything this country stands for.....
I am hurting for those who are being hurt, and I am scared for myself and others yet to be targeted....
I am all sorts of upset.....
And frustrated...
and feeling terribly impotent.....
My instinct to nurture...to cradle the hurt person and give them a lollipop, and make things all better is kicking in and I know it is impossible.....
This is worse than watching your child go through growing pains....this is a Stephen King movie where the ending hasn't been written and Stephen King has died......

Me and God....I Think We May Have A Truce.....

I've spent most of my life wrestling with religions.....or religious beliefs.....
Haven't found one, yet, that satisfies me...
I'm not even sure about the existance of God, or gods, or a higher power....
Maybe...maybe not...
I am sure there is a spiritual world....whether it is seperate from our known physical universe, or an alternate plain, I have no idea.....
What I am sure of are the concepts of good and evil, right and wrong, kind and mean....you get the idea....those precepts that distinguish us from all other animals......

If there is a God...and only one...then I think all the books....the bible, the koran, the talmud, the mormon scriptures, the sayings of confucious, etc. are divinely inspired....but they are written by humans.....they are guidance for living......they embody a living dynamic.......they are full of metaphors and parables and illustrations for living good, fufilling, decent lives.......

And if there is a God....and he/she is what all the major religions teach.....kind, loving, forgiving, understanding, patient, etc....then I think all the stories or wrathfullness and anger are just that...stories to scare...because humans learned, way back in the beginning, that fear is a powerful motivator......
It is only in recent times that we are beginning to learn that as powerful a motivator as fear is, it is also an extrodinarily damaging force...and it really doesn't work as well as we have historically believed....we are now learning that trust and kindness and egalitarianism go much further as forces of change than fear ever did.....

So...back to my struggle with religion....
I think I'm content with living as decent a life as I can, at any given moment in time....
I will always try to be fair. I will do as much as I can for others. I will give love with my whole heart, understanding that the heart has a boundless capacity to love. I will always try to be respectful, understanding that I will be more sucessful at times than others. I will try to not be mean. When I catch myself being mean, or mean-spirited, I will stop.....
And I will have faith, that if in the end, there is a God, He/She will judge me by my actions and forgive my transgressions....

In the meantime, I have another sick fish...who, if there is a God, is one of God's creatures...and it needs me to go medicate the water...I did manage to get him into a wading pool, out of the pond....so I can treat 75 gallons instead of 2,400....

Ah...............

Random Peeves

Really smart people never have to tell you they are really smart. It kinda emanates from them.

It's the 'almost really smart' ones that tell you how smart they are. Just in case you miss it......

Humble people don't tell you they are humble...kinda creates an oxymoron.....or just plain moron......

Empowered mediocrity is probably the scariest aspect of the American condition

It makes me crazy when people say the their God is an "all loving" god.....and go on to tell you that if you don't believe in Him, He's going to bannish you to hell for all eternity.....

If I had Matching Tupperware......(and pigs could fly)

I've always secretly known that the clue(s) to living well were in the tupperware....
well, not IN the tupperware...but your tupperware was a true indicator about your life.....

I've always thought that if only I had matching tupperware, everything else would have order and sensibility, as well.....thing is, I have NEVER had matching tupperware......I buy my tupperware at yard sales and the Salvation Army....I just can't bring myself to pay five dollars for a plastic container that a clean cottage cheese container would serve the same purpose as.....

I'm betting that the people who have matching tupperware are also the people who can keep a white shirt clean while eating ice cream or pasta....
They can shop at JC Penny's and be 'okay' with it......I bet if their tupperware matches, so do their towels....my towels sorta match....I have at least a half dozen that say "Hilton" on the tags...and another three or four that say "Raddisson".....and I have a bunch of beigy type ones from the Hershey area......
People with matching tupperware are the type that can just 'swoop' their hair up and it looks great....I really hate that type....they're the same ones who can wear cheap jewelry and it doesn't look cheap....and the heels of their shoes never get run down looking......

So, my life is going to forever be chaotic....and unpredictable........and messy.......

I Hate Neon Signs.......

I now know that the kid who works in the UPS store has a mother with a gambling problem, a sister who is a floozie, neighbors who party a bit too hardy, and a Dr.'s appointment next week to discuss gastric bypass surgery. I don't know his name, but I know his weight, height, age, and blood type.
I swear, I have a neon sign hanging over my head that says "sappy sucker", or perhaps, "schmuck who is too polite to tell you to buzz off".
It happens to me all the time. Grocery store lines are the worst. I'll do almost anything to avoid grocery store lines. I'll go shopping at 7 A.M. or 11 P.M. to avoid lines. They find me in lines....I try to let them go ahead of me. I try asking them to 'watch my cart' while I run for something forgotten. Nothing helps.....they tell me their life story. Or the story of the rotten daughter-in-law, or the awful teacher....
I once ended up driving a man, his wife, his sister-in-law, his mother, and one of his sons from Elmira to Scranton because we were both in line together at Sears. I stopped at Sears on my way out of Elmira, headed home, because tires were on sale, it was winter, and I needed tires, so it seemed like a good idea to get them before getting on the highway. The man and his family were in front of me in line, but there were several others in front of them....plenty of time to chit chat with the lady with the neon sign.....well, my new found 'friend' came up to his turn and it turned out his car was fatally flawed....undrivable....and it was a Sunday morning...he and his family had been to see Niagra Falls while his mother was in this country visiting...and they were on their way home to Scranton....a town I just happen to have to pass through on my way from Elmira to Stroudsburg. So now that the Mr. and I are best friends....what can I do but offer to take them home?????
That was the worst ride of my life. I'm a smoker. He's a doctor. (actually it turned out he is a cardio-vascualr surgeon) Couldn't smoke. The family was from India. Now I don't think I have any particular biases against folks from India. It just happens to be a reality of life that our bodies often give off an odor from spices in our diets. Their diet has plenty of curry in it....so in a closed up car the odor became pretty pervasive.
Now they are also a culture where the men take the lead....the women tend to be retiring in the presense of men. So the Mr. felt like he had to keep up a conversation with me for the entire 100 miles.....
When we arrived at their home they insisted that I come in for a 'light refreshment'. There was no way I could say 'no'....they were such nice people and they genuinely wanted to be nice as a 'thank-you'. Before I left the wife brought me the most beautiful silver bowl....it was truly lovely. And I have it to this day....
But the fucking sign...it's gotta go....it's just that every time I try to find the damn thing, it disappears.....I know it's there....
I mean I'm now obligated, for the rest of my life, everytime I go to the UPS store, to inquire after this kid, his health, and his family.....
Ggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....................................................

Even Mastercard Can't Buy Class.....

Maybe I'm a bit strange in my ideas, but somewhere along the way of life I started believing that real "class" is integrally connected to things like kindness and caring and good intuition about people's needs.....
Knowing when not to wear patent leather, and what 'winter white' is, or how to arrange flowers may be telltale signs of a somewhat dated social status, and I suppose, to some degree the kinds of 'people skills' I think of as 'classy' came hand in hand with those old money mores, but their transference to the newer generations have gotten lost in the mix.....
Enough new money to allow fringe mixing with old money will buy you access to mannerisms and rules of etiquette....but it won't buy you those deeply embedded social skills about how to treat others....new money breeds such an insidious, deep level of elitism that there is no room left for a fundamental understanding of social obligation and true gentile behavior.

On the other hand, there are folks out there with a seeming innate understanding of the subtleties of the human dynamic that don't have a pot to piss in.....
We've all met these folks. They're the ones who quietly lend a hand, or an ear, or a few dollars, without being asked. They're the ones who always tell you that you look wonderful. They're the ones who tell you they are so glad to know you. They're the ones who quietly help you see the cup as half full. They're the ones that never, ever vomit their own woes all over you. They are the ones who never eat in front of others without offering to share....sometimes insisting on it....they can stretch a meal to no end to make sure everyone there shares in the repast....
They know when a hug is needed, or just a smile....They're the ones who can give your hand that quick squeeze that says so very much.....
and there is no money in the world that can buy what these folks have....no money can make you the kind of person that makes everyone feel comfortable......
I have a neighbor who is one of these folks...actually I have a neighbor on either side of me that are both the most wonderful, kind, nice people you could ever want to know...both of them quirky....but both of the kind, warm, funny, decent, ethical folks....
And then I have another neighbor...
Lives a few doors up the street....
daughter of a judge, wife of an atty....mother of a monster child...
She has quite a bit of money....I don't know if she is 'rich', but they aren't hurting.....they just put an addition on their house that cost them in excess of 500K.....and she has very good taste...the house has been restored to it's original victorian charm, and the addition is completely consistent with the period, including the materials used...landscaping is impeccable....and I'm sure she is a major shareholder in Abercrombie as well as LL Bean......and I'm not sure if Ann Taylor and Jones NY carry large women's sizes, but if they do, she's got stock in them, as well....
Know the type????.....votes for most liberal causes...sits on the hospital board....does the MDA telethon....drives a Volvo....deadheads her flowers religiously.....and she is niiiiiiiiiiiiiice....sickeningly niiiiiiiiiiiiice....'cept with me...she won't make eye contact with me.....I once told her that her husband didn't know his ass from his elbow about good practices for children....and offered to teach him....ohmygod, I thought she'd have a cannary right there, on the spot....on the other hand, I was being sincere...her husband is often appointed GAL for local kids and I want him to be good at what he does....for the sake of the kids.....

Anyway....back to the bitch....she approached my super wonderful neighbor the other night and said...."I know you and your daughter are less fortunate than David and I. I wanted to let you know I'm having a tag sale on Friday and I thought if you wanted to make a few extra dollars you could set up a table in my yard and avoid having to pay for a permit."........well.........
When Rosie told me this I wanted to spit....puke...rip her head from her shoulders....I really wanted to throttle the bitch.....
And I know she thought she was being sensitive and kind.....she has no idea she is the most condescending, elitist bitch walking.....and she was insulting to one of the nicest people I've ever known.....

I don't know what yet, but I'm going to think of something really, really awful to do to her....something that will both humiliate and humble her......it'll come to me...I know it will....
'Cause I ain't got no class....and I don't give a hoot!!!!!!!

The Great Fish Saga Moves Forward....

Well....Yesterday I dosed the pond for the second time with the medication we recieved...it's called "Fungus Eliminator" and it's put out by a company called "Jungle"....

at sixty dollars for 34 dry ounces, plus nineteen for shipping, this stuff better work!!!!!!


I must say, all the fish look better...we did lose one little guy....but he was a runt...sorta malformed...all last year we kept expecting him to go belly-up...never did...till this mess got him....
He's now making a beautiful patch of lillies very happy, and healthy, I hope...


It turned out we had white/grey fungus, cotto fungus, hemorrhagic septicemia. fin rot, tail rot, several open bacterial lesions, and bladder disease....all going at once...not every fish had/has every problem, and all of them are improving...'cept the dead one....
But we had to drop the water volume by half....we have about a 2400 gal pond....we actually measured it for this medication....but because it is so expensive we halved the water....then did a 25% exchange....treated the water...waited four days, did another 25% exchange and retreated it....
Everyone's color is getting closer to normal....everyone has a voracious appetite....Big Blue is again eating from my hand....
No one is swimming upside down.....
Friday we're going to add a couple hundred gals of fresh water and put some plants back and see how things go....


Tai is arriving on Thurs. night so......Lord!....I hope things are more 'normal' this visit...


Josh and David have both been home since last Thurs......they both, along with Big Mike, got caught climbing without using their safety lines....so they are laid off till next week...and I'm close to homicidal.....
Can you imagine????....500+ feet up a tower without a safety line??????......it's one of those things a mother should never know about!!!!!
This is one Josh sent to my phone the first time he climbed....I was in the middle of a meeting and I let out some very strange noise when I looked at my phone.....where before that I was being relatively ignored, that got everyone's attention, in a hurry....I walked away with the store, that day....I think they all felt sorry for me.....

Tomorrow night I'm going out to dinner!!!!!.....I almost never go out, 'cept when I'm traveling for my job...but tomorrow is my neighbor's fiftieth b'day and another friend and I are taking her out!!!!....Whoopee!!!!.....in all my years I've never been out on a "girl's night out'...always struck me as kind of hokey...but I'm really looking forward to it...we're going to a local place...The Willow Tree...named for a huge old weeping willow out behind the place...which is in an old victorian home...overlooking McMichael's Creek...we're going to sit outside on the deck over the creek and drink and eat and be completely silly.....

And this would be my friend Sherri......the one who is joining me in taking Rosemary out....we've also asked Ryan to join us...Ryan is one of Sherri's 'adoptees'...she is also a collector of lost boys and needy folk.....and Ryan is great company....so we're making him an honorary 'one of the girls' for the evening....

So.....all is well in life....the fish are mending...I'm going out.....the days are warm....

Ahhhhhhhhhh..................