Self Discovery Sucks, Especially In The Middle Of A Blog Entry

The Hebrew term "Mitzvah" is one that means, or refers to, all of the 600 or so commandments in Jewish law. However, it has also, more commonly, come to be used as a word to describe acts of human kindness. Particularly to describe those acts that are performed for no other reason, or gain, than that they are the right thing, or the kind thing, to do. Usually unheralded, often even unknown who the 'doer' is.
I'm not sure when, where, or from whom, I first heard of 'making a mitzvah'. I know it goes a long, long way back in my personal history. The idea of doing good, of doing the right thing, and not waving a flag to tell anyone about it. Just doing it. Even guilt attached to it if you do call attention to the act, or actions...they lose their meaning, or their inherent 'goodness', if you tell folks you did it, or them....
Perhaps this is one of the places Jewish law, or tradition, crosses over to Christian, or 'Christ-like' behavioral expectations. The whole idea that one's reward for 'doing good' comes in heaven. That the idea of self-sacrifice and giving to others quietly, without fanfare, is the ultimate form of prayer. I like that idea.
Folks who need to tell you that they have given or done something nice always bring up some bizarre need in me to choke them. I guess there lurks in me some serious violent tendencies. I get especially annoyed when others buy into this 'oh what a good person so-'n-so is'. And they only know 'so-'n-so' is a good person because 'so-'n-so' told them he/she is a good person. Gggrrrrrrrrrrr...........
Then there is the selfish side of me. I see this nonsense, and I think to myself, 'well for crying out loud! I did the same nice thing, or I did something even nicer...' and no one is giving me credit!...But that would require me telling about what I did that was good, thereby negating it as an act of goodness. So I lose the long-term credit.....Maybe even looking at it as having 'long term credit' diminishes it, in some way....and I lose either way....
I'm sure there are people for whom 'doing good' is a natural, no thought needed, process. I think I've actually met a couple of these folks....I mean I think...because who really knows what lurks in the heart of man...or woman....but for all intents and purposes, they appear to be really nice and really good people....
It's sort of like Oprah's "random acts of kindness" thing...I really like that...or liked that...until I started encountering folks who had the need to tell me about the 'random' acts they had done....Again, it annoyed the hell out of me because I wanted to counter with one-up-manship stuff..."I did a bigger random act" but then the guilt and fear would kick in....and I would simply tell them what they wanted to hear..."Oh my, what a good person you are!"
Fact is, I'm really starting to dislike 'good people'. Or at least the ones who have to tell everyone, in a furtive, secretive way, what good people they are. Hell, why bother with the 'furtive', they tell anyone who will listen....
As I am writing this, I am realizing how jaded I really have become. I started out wanting to write something about 'grace', or physical manifestations of prayer...and I find myself writing about the dark inner demons of my, and probably others, souls....
And ego....part of me feels some weird sort of pride that I haven't indulged in bragging about having done nice things...I'm guessing that diminishes the long term benefits, too!
Okay, so much for goodness and kindness and making mitzvahs...
I'm thinking I probably should just go out for a walk and find a lost, miserable dog to kick....but I really love dogs...especially lost miserable dogs...they pull on my heart strings...so maybe I should go out and find some very average person and insult the bejesus out of them...I mean really rip them a new one....because I really can't stand dealing with 'average'...I mean the 'Joe the plumbers' drive me nuts...
But then I would feel really bad at having hurt some poor unsuspecting schmuck....because, way down deep, in the most hidden recesses, I do have a conscience.
Methinks I am slowly discovering that I am actually a member, of the human race...I am a mix of all sorts of things....ego, and guilt, and kindness, and jealousies, and grandiosity, and humility....
It's quite a let down to realize how average I am...maybe that's why so many don't make this discovery until we're well into our middle years....to confront this without first having developed a true and real appreciation of chocolate and scotch could be devastating.....